I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
