remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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