Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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