I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Boobs speak an international language.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
