Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
