Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
