theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
