i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
