it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
