Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
