I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
drinking out of a sandbucket again
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
