I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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