Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
