there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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