I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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