Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
