defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
