I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
and you fell through a lawn chair
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
