he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
