you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
