dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
