: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
