I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
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You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.