I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I understand Curling. That high.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
