I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
