I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
