I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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