Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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