remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
