just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
