you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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