Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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