Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
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I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Blood and glitter go together right?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
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Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i've created a new STD.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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