Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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