Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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