Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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