If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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