if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
