I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
