"it" just moved
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
