Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You may now shotgun with the bride
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
