just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
