i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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