I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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