new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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