thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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