Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
