I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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