he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
