Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
