The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
