there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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