Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
