you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
